Christmas Card Spoof

Do you send Christmas letters? They are not coming to my mailbox as often as they used to. One day, back in the 90s, I was feeling a bit mischievous, so I sent out this one. I still chuckle when I read it for old time’s sake. I hope you do too. No offense, please, to my friends who sent such letters. This is just for fun.

Dear Friends,

Here it is 1999 already, and I didn’t have time to send you our

family Christmas letter. I didn’t get a chance to brag about all

our accomplishments, our fabulous vacations, the intelligence of my

grandchild, the beauty of my home, the amazing talents of my dogs,

and all our altruistic and philanthropic endeavors. So, here they

are now.

Kara has been working on her phd in metaphysics. She got a late

start on this career choice, as she’s been leading an

anthropological expedition in outer Mongolia. Her work with Unwed

Mothers in Crisis in the inner city was put on hold, while she

completed this part of the fellowship grant she received from


Steve has passed the CPA exam, the Bar, and the Boards for medical

examiner for the CIA. In his spare time, he has been writing a

documentary on preserving cacao trees in Brazil. For fun, Steve

has taken up mountaineering, and last June, he completed his fifth

ascent on Mount Everest. Tammy does not accompany him on these

expeditions, as she has been busy prosecuting the attorneys in the

Monica Lewinski hearings. Her travels to Washington have not

interfered with her love of flying. Last spring, she bought her

own plane and is now teaching their little girl, Meghan to fly. On

January 1, Meghan will fly her first solo, although she is only

three months old. We think she’ll be ready though, as she has

already mastered the internet and is fluent in three languages,

thanks to her Aunt Kara.

Mother celebrated her 107th birthday with a modest party in London

for 500 of her closest friends and international business

acquaintances. She turned down a marriage proposal, however,

because she still likes her space and independence. As she says,

why should she put up with some old man who probably wouldn’t let

her race cars anymore.

I’m still working, although my lottery winnings from last February

have allowed me to try some exciting new experiences. I bought

some state of the art cameras and developing equipment, and have

become quite good as a photographer, and I really enjoy processing

my own photos. Perhaps you’ve seen some of my work in the Chicago

Museum of Modern Art. I’ve also resumed dance lessons, and just

last month, I was finally accepted as a member of the world famous

Rockettes. Imagine that, at my age! Of course, I’ll have to give

up my job at the radio reading service, but dancing has always been

my first love, as you know. Chocolate is my second love, so that’s

why I’ve been so thrilled with Steve’s documentary on cacao trees.

Sherry continues to be the epitome of Seeing Eye superiority. She

was honored at the Whitehouse for her bravery and supreme

intellectual agility, when saving the lives of three infants who

were drowning in Lake Erie. She wears her ribbons proudly as she

conducts weekly tours at the Seeing Eye. Her goal is to recruit

only the finest of golden retrievers and to increase their

percentage of the class. It’s her version of affirmative action.

Genie’s still kicking at age 17. And that’s the truth, the only


Here’s hoping your 1999 is at least as glamorous and exciting,

fulfilling, and memorable as this fantasy I’ve just recounted. And

if that’s not what you really want, here’s hoping you keep smiling,

keep loving, and keep in touch.

Mary Hiland

Author of “The Bumpy Road to Assisted Living A Daughter’s Memoir”

Available at, dldbooks, and NLS Talking Books DB 91261


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